How to hunt a turkey

November 22, 2011

By Jacob Brunette

Thanksgiving is almost here, and you know what that means: time to head out into the wilderness and kill a turkey! Now, despite this being a great American tradition that most children have participated in since age 4, there are an unfortunate few that may have moved here from Canada and never learned how to do it. So, Canadians, this is for you:

1. Head to your local turkey emporium and pick up the following equipment:

  • 1 hunting rifle
  • 1 camouflage turkey blind
  • 1 remote control turkey decoy
  • 6 car batteries (to power the decoy)
  • 3.4 live ducks
  • 1/17th ounce turkey musk
  • 1 sausage (turkeys LOVE sausages)

By Jacob Burnette

2. Once you have your gear, drive out to your local turkey hunting ground. For most of you, that should be Walla Walla.

3. Once at the turkey hunting grounds, ignore any men offering to guide you on your turkey hunt. They are hobos.

4. The hunt is on! First, you must find an appropriate place to set up your blind. Good locations include below a tall tree, among some underbrush or on the outskirts of the turkey village.

5. From inside your blind, set up the remote control decoy. First, put two car batteries in each of the decoy’s legs. Put the fifth in the decoy’s gizzard and the sixth in its heart.

6. Say the ancient decoy prayers and breathe life into your creation. Send it forth from the blind, into the world.

7. Wipe a tear from your eye.

8. Load your hunting rifle, and activate the decoy’s remote control.

9. Send the decoy into the village. First, it must gain the respect of the turkey clan’s elders, by presenting them with offerings of acorns and small amphibians.

10. Once the elders accept the decoy as part of the clan, you must have the decoy woo the daughter of the turkey chief. The best way to do this is by presenting the daughter with turkey delicacies, such as a juniper berry or a live grasshopper.

11. Once the decoy has won the heart of the chief’s daughter, press the button on your remote control that has a beak symbol on it — this will cause your decoy to squawk unintelligibly. In turkey language, this means “follow me to the outskirts of the village, so that we might make sweet turkey love under the light of the moon.” Have the decoy lead the turkey princess near your blind.

12. Take your hunting rifle, and shoot the poor, defenseless turkey.

13. …You monster.

14. Quickly now! You must take the turkey’s body and escape, before the clan elders realize your crime and declare a blood feud against you and all of your descendants.

15. You must create a distraction so you can escape. Apply the turkey musk liberally to the 3.4 live ducks. Whisper in their earholes that the turkey chief is holding the last 0.6 hostage, and that they must storm his turkey teepee to become whole again. (Ducks have hated turkeys since the days when turkeys controlled the eastern seaboard and relentlessly persecuted all of duckkind.)

16. While the ducks and turkeys are distracted settling their centuries-old grudge, take the turkey body and flee the scene. You must escape the turkey grounds before sunrise.

17. As you are running, keep watch for the shadow of a turkey with no wattle (a.k.a. turkey neck-flab stuff). Pray that you do not see this.

18. Oh no. You see the shadow. Slowly look up in terror. The turkey vigilante has found you. Its wattle-less neck is the mark of its relentlessness. It will stop at nothing to assure that you never leave the turkey grounds.

19. Tremble in fear.

20. Remember that you still have your sausage. Take out your sausage and whip it back and forth in front of the turkey vigilante. Continue praying.

21. The turkey vigilante tries to avoid staring at your sausage and keep its eyes focused on you. Continue whipping your sausage around. The vigilante’s eyes slowly, inexorably move to the sausage.

22. Once it is transfixed, throw the sausage as far away as you can and immediately start running in the other direction.

23. As the sun rises, cross the borders of the turkey lands with your prize.

24. The hobos eye the dead turkey jealously, but they will not move to take it. They recognize it as your rightful prize as a champion turkey hunter.

25. Congratulations! You have successfully hunted a turkey. Return home and cook it for Thanksgiving dinner. Savor the subtle flavor of a young turkey’s life ended too soon; it is delicious.

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