Off the Press
December 6, 2011
By Greg Farrar
The latest invention: the iColumnist
Never fear! Although the passing of Steve Jobs has left many of us Applemaniacs saddened and adrift, there still are people with many good ideas for products which, in the tradition of this great inventor, Americans don’t know they have to have until they get in long lines to buy them.
One of those idea people is me. Although these products are not available this Christmas, by next year they’ll be at Issaquah’s Best Buy, Fred Meyer and Target stores in time for the Black Friday mobs.
Of course, since there is no improving on the perfection of either Jobs’ inventions or his marketing skills, my first idea is to make sure to slap a lower-case “I” in front of everything I want to sell.
One product idea came to mind just this morning, it will be called the “iScraper” and it will instantly remove all of the snow and ice from your car each morning in the Issaquah Highlands. The GPS in your car will send its coordinates to a satellite in orbit, which in turn will send a microwave burst down to heat your car. Think of it as your own personal microwave oven in space! Just to be clear, I will not be responsible for anyone going all Dixie Chicks and putting Earl in the trunk first.
My next invention, which everyone will find indispensable throughout the rest of the century, will be called the “iMe” and will basically replace primitive Facebook and Twitter social media. All you have to do is wear it like a baseball cap. Y’know those little vent holes? Those holes will contain microphones, cameras and smell sensors, and broadcast your life in 360-degree, 3-D, 24/7 real-time high definition. Your friends will never miss a moment of your life again!
One of the problems nagging at people forever has been traffic. Doesn’t matter if it was horse drawn, the Model T or light rail, it’s been nagging! Now I know what you’re thinking, “Greg just wants to invent the transporter from Star Trek.” Well, that’s silly. I mean, I could invent it, but that depends on a transporter pad being at the other end everywhere you want to go, which restricts your mobility.
No, I’m just going to add the magic “i” and give a whole new meaning to the word “carhop.” Nobody serves food to your car at drive-ins anymore, anyway, so it’s a perfectly good word that needs recycling.
There’s just one more thing that needs inventing, and I feel I’m the one to do it. Heaven knows I’m the one who needs it the most! Now some of you may recall all those DeLoreans on Front Street this summer during the annual car show. Nike made headlines recently with its production run of Marty McFly’s shoes from “Back to the Future.” And there was a serious news article about the physics of hoverboards being studied. The confluence of all these things got me thinking.
What I really need is to be able to have this Off the Press finished before deadline. Voilá, the “iTimewarp” wristband! Imagine having all the money saved for your child’s college education on the day he or she is born! Expect to have all of your Christmas shopping done by Labor Day! Forget a spouse’s birthday, get a do-over!
Steve Jobs, thank you so much! Rest in peace, we will miss you. Now it’s my turn!
Greg Farrar: 392-6434, ext. 235, or firstname.lastname@example.org. Comment at www.issaquahpress.com.