How to get back on track with New Year’s resolutions
January 24, 2012
By Michael Payant
New Year’s Day is now just a distant blur in your rearview mirror, and if you’re anything like most Americans, your resolution has probably fallen by the wayside over the past few weeks. Whether you’re trying to get ripped, kick your “not addiction” to coffee or simply live a more wholesome life, hopping back on board the New Year’s resolution train can be done in just a few simple steps.
1. Recall your resolution and write it down.
2. Find a friend, and inform this friend of your resolution. Then, whenever you are starting to deviate from your planned course of action, he or she can remind you about your shortcomings. Self-discipline is difficult; peer pressure is easy to submit to.
3. Get into arguments with your friend and blame him or her for your inability to stick to the resolution, even though you secretly know that you are just projecting your own feelings of disappointment.
4. After a brief cooling-off period, make up with your friend by giving him or her a batch of your delicious homemade cookies.
5. If applicable, attach barbed wire to anything you’re trying to avoid as part of your resolution. It will hurt when your eyes, hands, mouth or other sensitive areas are exposed to barbed wire but it will all be worth it.
6. Once the cuts on your hands have healed enough, remove the barbed wire. That was probably a silly idea anyway.
7. Get your resolution tattooed somewhere on your body. There is no better way to show devotion or commitment than with a tattoo.
8. Take a nationwide soul-searching expedition.
9. Return from your nationwide soul-searching expedition with a goatee. Because the goatee is a global symbol of self-confidence, your life will automatically improve.
10. Fall madly in love with someone who understands you.
11. Realize that want you really wanted was there all along. You don’t need to change, you are amazing just the way you are.
12. Accept the behavior you were trying to change as “an essential part of your character” and write a self-help book using your newfound knowledge.
13. Continue the behavior. It’s OK now.
14. Slowly fall back into normalcy and prepare for next year’s resolutions.