How to survive in Bizarro World

May 22, 2012

By Jacob Brunette

By Jacob Brunette Issaquah High School

As prom draws ever closer, the terrible drama surrounding dresses, groups and other ridiculous nonsense will slowly invade the lives of all those involved. It is a common occurrence for people to wander off in an attempt to avoid this soul-sucking pre-dance affair, but be warned! All too often, wayward promgoers will make a single wrong step and find themselves in… Bizarro World! Should you find yourself in this terrible backwards nega-verse, where men act like women, women act like men and British people have good teeth, follow the steps in this survival guide and you may make it through your ordeal alive.

For men:

1. You must ensure that you are asked to the dance. Instead of taking concrete action, however, you must only whisper to your boyfriends and giggle whenever any one of you sees a girl. Also, only go to the bathroom in a group, and make sure to gossip loudly about various prom-related topics, making sure that those in the stalls can hear you.

2. Once asked, your first order of business is to buy a tuxedo. As soon as you have chosen one, make sure to post on the “Claim Your Tux” page on Facebook. It would be the greatest shame to arrive at the dance wearing the same tux as another guy. If someone else has already claimed your tuxedo, engage in a passive-aggressive battle of gossip and petty sniping until your target has given up his claim. (Note: Due to the limited number of tuxedo designs, these gossip battles may sometimes grow to be quite large, and may require a significant degree of fortitude to survive. Plan to stay in for the long haul.)

3. Finally, you must organize your group. When picking groupmates, make sure to exclude all those in the following categories: obnoxious people, quiet people, loud people, ugly people, people that are hotter than you are, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, friends of ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, people who don’t shun the people you shun, people who have said something annoying to you in the past, people who might have said something annoying to you in the past, and people who won’t chip in for a party bus. If anyone feels slighted by being excluded from your group, attack them in the most passive-aggressive manner possible, until they run away crying. Three days before the dance (a.k.a. when you realize you don’t have enough money for the party bus after all), fake a heartfelt apology to those you excluded and invite them into your group (so long as they are willing to pay the requisite party bus fee).

4. Now go to the dance. Realize that it’s kind of lackluster, and wasn’t really worth all that passive-aggression. Then go to the after-party and get totally wasted, spending the entire night depressed in the corner, hiccupping, until you pass out.

For women:

1. Ask a guy out and then buy a dress or something. You know, sometime before the dance. Whenever. Let the guy handle groups and stuff, because that’s not your responsibility. Then just go and have a good time at the dance, and have a great time at the party afterward, if you know what the writer of this survival guide means.

How to survive in Bizarro World

 

By Jacob Brunette

Issaquah High School

As prom draws ever closer, the terrible drama surrounding dresses, groups and other ridiculous nonsense will slowly invade the lives of all those involved. It is a common occurrence for people to wander off in an attempt to avoid this soul-sucking pre-dance affair, but be warned! All too often, wayward promgoers will make a single wrong step and find themselves in… Bizarro World! Should you find yourself in this terrible backwards nega-verse, where men act like women, women act like men and British people have good teeth, follow the steps in this survival guide and you may make it through your ordeal alive.

For men:

1.      You must ensure that you are asked to the dance. Instead of taking concrete action, however, you must only whisper to your boyfriends and giggle whenever any one of you sees a girl. Also, only go to the bathroom in a group, and make sure to gossip loudly about various prom-related topics, making sure that those in the stalls can hear you.

2.      Once asked, your first order of business is to buy a tuxedo. As soon as you have chosen one, make sure to post on the “Claim Your Tux” page on Facebook. It would be the greatest shame to arrive at the dance wearing the same tux as another guy. If someone else has already claimed your tuxedo, engage in a passive-aggressive battle of gossip and petty sniping until your target has given up his claim. (Note: Due to the limited number of tuxedo designs, these gossip battles may sometimes grow to be quite large, and may require a significant degree of fortitude to survive. Plan to stay in for the long haul.)

3.      Finally, you must organize your group. When picking groupmates, make sure to exclude all those in the following categories: obnoxious people, quiet people, loud people, ugly people, people that are hotter than you are, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, friends of ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, people who don’t shun the people you shun, people who have said something annoying to you in the past, people who might have said something annoying to you in the past, and people who won’t chip in for a party bus. If anyone feels slighted by being excluded from your group, attack them in the most passive-aggressive manner possible, until they run away crying. Three days before the dance (a.k.a. when you realize you don’t have enough money for the party bus after all), fake a heartfelt apology to those you excluded and invite them into your group (so long as they are willing to pay the requisite party bus fee).

4.      Now go to the dance. Realize that it’s kind of lackluster, and wasn’t really worth all that passive-aggression. Then go to the after-party and get totally wasted, spending the entire night depressed in the corner, hiccupping, until you pass out.

For women:

1.      Ask a guy out and then buy a dress or something. You know, sometime before the dance. Whenever. Let the guy handle groups and stuff, because that’s not your responsibility. Then just go and have a good time at the dance, and have a great time at the party afterward, if you know what the writer of this survival guide means.

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