How to shop for presents
November 27, 2012
By Jacob Brunette
Ahh, the holidays, the time of year meant for happiness, love and peace on earth. The time of year most spent fighting with crowds and hating your fellow human beings.
Everyone has experienced the feeling of cold hatred that slips into your soul as you watch someone else take the last Transformer on the rack, or as you spend 30 minutes in line behind the lady who doesn’t seem to understand that you need $50 to buy the $50 item. The easiest way to avoid this is to shop online or in November, but if you insist on braving the mall, then read on.
1. Plan your shopping times carefully. Everyone tries to get to the mall early, but nobody thinks to go at 2 on a Thursday afternoon.
2. Do your best to repel others. Don’t shower or brush your teeth, speak as shrilly as possible and, if you can, fart a lot. If people refuse to step within 10 feet of you, that’s 10 feet of invulnerability as you move through the mall.
3. If someone takes the item you were looking at, don’t argue with him or her for it. Just stand nearby and have a very loud conversation (with yourself, if need be) about how that item was panned in every review you saw and also that it’s rumored to give people toenail cancer. Then, when he or she puts the item back in disgust, claim your prize.
4. If all else fails, just accept the fact that your family will be getting some interesting gifts. While the mall may be out of everything worthwhile, they still have garden gnomes. Dad likes those, right?