How to avoid spring fever
May 28, 2013
By Jacob Brunette
It’s sunny out now! [Editor’s note: This was a lie.] And the sun means that a whole lot of high-schoolers will forget to pay attention in class, do their homework or graduate And that means that a whole lot of high-schoolers will fail to learn stuff at school, learn stuff at home, or graduate! One of those is relatively important! But, you don’t have to be one of those people. Just follow these simple steps.
1. Close the shades! If you can’t see the sun [Editor: still nonexistent at this point in time], you’ll have nothing to distract you from the joys of homework. Besides, who cares about being the palest person in school? (You might, but we’ll pretend that you don’t for the purposes of this article.)
2. Throw away your phone! Invites from your friends to go to the beach, go for a hike or spend time outside [Editor: in the rain?] will just distract from what really needs to get done: reading the three-quarters of the textbook that your teacher is trying to stuff into the last month of school because he or she is bad at time-management! You can’t afford to have a social life if you want to pass the final!
3. Have a younger brother or sister? Use them to write your essays! You can probably convince them with something appealing to kids, like candy, dead animals or the promise of not getting beat up! Besides, your teachers will be too busy enjoying the sun [Editor: I give up.] to actually grade your papers anyway.
If you follow these three simple steps, you can probably muddle through the rest of the school year with grades that qualify as not failing! Hooray!