Satire: Here’s how to get into college
December 18, 2013
By Helen Wang
NEW — 11 a.m. Dec. 18, 2013
- Start doing community service at the age of 10. Choose something big and attention-getting, like your local hospital, a homeless shelter or a nonprofit like the American Red Cross or charity: water. The longer the commitment, the better.
- Start keeping track of and obsessing over your grades once you get to middle school. You never know what colleges might ask for. Having good middle school grades will give you an advantage over your competition.
- At the age of 12, ask for SAT books for Christmas. Not having your own money shouldn’t stop you from getting a head start on studying for college entrance exams. Also, get a job so that you can start feeling like a grown-up and start saving for college. Who cares about child labor?
- By the time you turn 13, you should already be looking at colleges and setting a career path for yourself. Decide on your dream school and subscribe to their mail and emails, and go to every informational session in the area.
- Once you hit high school at 14, join every club you are interested in, especially ones that would look good on your résumé. Befriend the executive boards and get very involved in everything that you can, so that at the end of the year, you can run for leadership positions that you’ll continue to hold throughout high school because every Ivy loves a good leader.
- By sophomore year, the admissions officers at your dream school should probably know you by name. That’s OK. Enroll in as many IB or AP classes as you can in order to impress them, and keep harassing them to make sure that they know you’re interested.
- When you hit junior year, you should already be prepared to crush that PSAT and SAT. Obviously, since you’ve been taking weekly practice tests since the age of 12, you’re going to be a National Merit Scholar and, combining your test scores with your curated collection of extracurriculars and perfect 4.0 grade point average, you’ll probably get a full ride to your dream school.
- As a senior, you should make sure to get letters of recommendations from teachers you know whose praise will paint you into a glorious candidate for your dream school. You’ll be valedictorian and in December, you’ll receive a letter from your dream school, congratulating you on your early acceptance! Hooray!